Tuesday, August 17, 2010 11:48 PM

Now what, vNs?

I'm crumbling down, I know I am. True, I'm not crying in school, but what's the point in that when I can't stop doing so outside school? And today I nearly cried in school anyway. Trigger? Nothing. I just stoned and thought of school and tears formed in my eyes.

This is insanity. It is scary. I'm scared of myself.

I need to make a plan, fast. Since last year's episode of tumbling down and getting back up, I had decided that I would lower my expectations and stop caring about teachers' or other people's. That got me through most of this year. Until now. I don't even know what's so wrong with me anymore. Lack of time, definitely. No time to do my own revision with teachers forcing us to do work on topics we may or may not need to revise on that much. My Chem and Hist is still at S level, and I need TIME to make it better, and TIME is what is being constantly robbed from me. I don't care, I won't come for next week's maths that are not supposed to be there anyway. My Maths is still not that good, D or E level I will say, but Chem and Hist need much more time than Maths.

I hate going against other people. Really, I do. But it's tough on me either way, so whatever. It totally irritates me how I must do all these sciences subjects when I don't intend to take them further in uni, but I need to get through them to earn my place in uni in the first place.

Everything in school is just so....queer. Freaks the hell out of me. Nothing seems normal. Haha if not for Kally I'd probably be ponning 3 days out of 5 a week :p

As I looked at photos from my 18th bday party right before I went to AJ, I realised how distant in the past it was. Such a beautiful, happy memory, it seems like it happened such a long time ago. Then I thought of the post-A Level days, of how I want to fill my days with. It, too, seems so distant, too far in the future to imagine. I know it's 'only' 3.5 months away, but to me it seems as distant as my 18th birthday last year in January. I'm stuck somewhere miserable in between two happiness, which does nothing but accentuate the stark contrast. I couldn't even believe it was in the same life :/

Well, even as I saw a picture of a long-haired me, I thought to myself that I do not know that girl anymore.

Who am I?

-vNs- (this is a signature, not an answer to the above question)

--Oh yea, I just knew that crying on the phone can causes the phone to get wet to the point that fog forms inside the phone -_- hopefully my phone will be okay.....://
--I have a wonderful boyfriend indeed ((:
I'll be okay. I think. I hope. I will.